Resident Evil (2002) -review by the Director

Based on the popular video, probably the most successful video game to movie adaptation ever made Resident Even is a survival horror movie like the game.

A multimillion dollar research company built under Raccoon city has an accident. The super computer called the Red Queen locks down the underground facility as the workers exposed to the T-Virus become flesh craving zombies. Terror and thrills ensue.

Oh Milla:

Milla Jovovich owns this movie as our protagonist Alice. Alice wakes up in the shower with her memory partly erased. She finds herself in a mansion in the country. The mansion is simply a cover for the entrance to the ‘Hive’ the underground complex owned by the umbrella corporation. The movie starts off there. A special military group is scent down to investigate, not knowing what they are walking into. The soldiers are lead by One (Colin Salmon) and includes the kick ass Rain (Michelle Rodriguez). Alice joins them as they head down to find and gain control of the Red Queen A.I. super computer.

The movie moves at a swift pace. The action races. Its violent, even gory. The zombies in the movie are more like infected people not so much the walking corpses yet, since this has all recently gone down. Besides zombies the group comes in contact with genetic freaks, like attack dogs and a creature from the video game called the Licker.

Alice is a trained special forces agent too. As she gains her memory through brief and hazy flashbacks that she is also part of this elite special forces group guarding the Hive. Her unparalleled skills keep her alive and are pure eye candy. Not only is Alice beautiful the camera loves her. She is a blast to watch in all her scenes. Especially the ones where she is fighting.

The movie sports great visuals and tense action sequences.

Acting: Milla Jovovich is fantastic. You can tell she gives her all in every scene. She is a joy to watch in all the Resident Evil movies. I’m pretty sure she does a fair amount of her stunts. She looks amazing it her outfit. A red dress with black bike shorts and long black boots. She wheres a leather jacket in the second half of the movie. I couldn’t get enough of her.

Michelle Rodriguez show off her talents in her type casted bad ass girl role. Colin Salmon (One) sweats cool and makes a great team leader, playing down his role but ramping the intensity. His dialogue comes to life in his cool, deep, polished voice.

There is no comic relief in this movie, only Eric Mabius as Matt the reporter trying to sneak in and get the scope on the dirty secrets the Umbrella corporation has up their corporate sleeve.

Gore:

We get chopped off heads, gun shots, gashes, bites, zombie transformation, sliced to death by laser beams (very cool).

Nudity:

Its quick but its hot. Milla shows all the goods here. A tit scene in the shower and at the end of the movie in a very scanty hospital gown you can, if you don’t blink, catch a glimpse of her trim.

Directing:

Paul W.S. Anderson no stranger to big hollywood action thrillers, helms this flick and he doesn’t miss a beat. The film is brilliantly paced and a wonderful watch. It goes down like your favorite meal. Great composition, pacing, action sequences, and use of slow-motion. He even throws in some creepy boo-scares.

Final thought:

Resident Evil is a joy to watch. If by some chance you never saw it do yourself a huge favor and add it to your DVD collection. Its so good its re-watchable. I’ve seen the movie several times and it never gets old. Movies this good come out only once or twice a year. To sum up the highlights. Millia Jovoich eating up the screen with her gorgeous Russian eyes leaving you hungry more. A nice group of combatants including Colin Salmon and Michelle Rodrigeuz in their best type-casted roles, tough guy bad asses.Awesome visuals, action, zombie battles, a few subtle twists, a good ending, and Paul Anderson’s skilled directing.

-The Director

I Spit on Your Grave (1978) -review by Gorehound

 

This classic celluloid makes me wet!

The movie starts off with the main character Jennifer. She is a writer getting away from the city to concentrate on her new novel.

She is a ‘tight little number’ according to the white trash, degenerate, retards she runs into at the po-dunk gas station.

She arrives at her getaway cabin which is most relaxing, just what she is looking for.

This is when these guys decide to pay her a visit. They believe her to be the right bitch to deflower their retard friend. Only they didn’t know just who they were fucking with.

The degenerates, Jonny the leader, Stanley, Andy, and the simpleton Matthew, break into her house and the fun begins. This is followed by rape, revenge, and tons of gore.

It has about a thirty minute legendary, horrifying, rape scene, wow!

There is bush, tits, and ass. Can’t go wrong there. Did I mention the vivid rape scene! For all you jungle bush pussy lovers and anal pervs this is right up your alley.

The best parts are when she comes back and tortures every single on of those sub-human fuckers in her own unique way.

I won’t give away the fun parts. Let’s just say you should NEVER rape a woman.

She will fuck you up and spit on your grave!

This movie is a ‘MUST SEE!’

-Gorehound

“I find myself imitating Matthew’s voice quite a bit. I love a good whiner. “I didn’t even get to cum”. My favorite line from him however is when she tells him she’s from New York and he replies with “you come from an evil place”. The millennium edition DVD has a really great commentary by Joe Bob Briggs that is really worth listening to. It’s a guilty pleasure in my collection. What can I say? the complete lack of a musical score (there is NO music in the movie) was an interesting choice, adding tension with sound and dialogue, I’m a sucker for that beautiful Connecticut forest location, and country bumpkin characters are always amusing to me.” -Horror Aficionado Lawrence Tolbert

Header (2006) review by -your discerning Director.

Based on Horror writer extraordinaire Edward Lee’s novella of the same name.

“What’s a header?”

Header starts off when Travis Tuckton is let out of prison. Being despot poor he searches out his grand pappy Jake Martin in the woods for some shine and reminiscing.
Stewart Cummings works long hours to support his ailing wife. It helps that Cummings is on the take as he runs the rounds of an Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms agent in the redneck backwoods. On account of his wife’s serious and ambiguous health condition Cummings feels justified in his nefarious ethics.

“Grand Pappy what IS a Header?”

As Travis and old Pappy get to talking they churn up old crazy feud stories and even more psychotic debauched tales. Travis is intrigued and decides it’s something he wants to get involved with for himself.

Bizarre and violent murders turn up. The Police get involved (cameo by Edward Lee and another horror writer icon Jack Ketchum.) ATF Agent Cummings starts taking more risks for bigger bribes.

That’s all you get folks. This movie picks up quick and it’s something you have to see to believe!

Acting:

The lead acting isn’t the best. I felt the actors tried too hard and didn’t pull off their roles all that well. The theme of this movie is so outrageous you’ll only pay passing attention to the sub-par acting.
Dick Mullany who plays Grandpa Jake Martin was awesome. He nailed his role. He is fantastic as nonchalant thick accented hick of sadistic delights. He talks about a header and feuding violence like he is talking about his mama’s chili recipe. He fully capture’s Edward Lee’s vision of the old double amputee diabetic in the novella. Bravo Mr. Dick Mullany, Bravo.

Gore:

Header is as graphic as it can get away with. They don’t, and of course can’t, show all of the violence. It’s still brutal and very disturbing. Even the most jaded and discerning gorehounds won’t ever forget what a header is. Or the shenanigans Travis and Pappy intimately engage in.

Sex:

There is quite a bit of sex/rape and some nudity, T & A, but none of it’s hardly erotic. Stewart Cummings jerks off near a lake, the man has to relieve the stress of his cognitive dissonance.

Directing:

This being a low-budget flick I felt the director did a decent job. I certainly never felt it was directed poorly. The only thing director Archibald Flancranstin could have done was try to get better acting from his protagonists.

In the end:

Header is a wonderful little gem. As I mentioned it’s based on one of Edward Lee’s stories. He is my personal favorite horror author. He writes what is termed hardcore or Splatterspunk horror. It’s way to disgusting for mainstream bookstores and is sold mostly as e-books or low print trade paper backs. I’d love to see all his books made into movies. There is a ton of great and original content there to make great horror movies.
Header is a fine example. The story is totally sick, there are twists and surprises you probably won’t see coming, and it ends in madness. Just like you want in your gross out horror movies. I think Header is horror dynamite, a solid MUST SEE.

-The Director

As far as I can tell Amazon might be your only sure outlet to find this movie. It’s well worth the money.

GutterBalls 2008 -review by the Director

Gutterballs…

Brought to you buy the clever Canadians of Plot Digger Films (the same company that gave birth, or aborted, Hanger)

Game on:

A couple of rival bowling teams meet in a bowling alley after hours for a little bowling royal.

Strike:

Gutter balls is a highly politically incorrect offense movie. It’s brash and violent. It’s cruel and stereotypical. A brutal rape leads to graphic violence, campy comedy, and rowdy sex.

It’s a mystery serial killer, pick em off one by one, plot.

The gore hits very hard. Gorehounds will be grinning ear to ear with a sadistic smile. Especially during the DIY sex change operation. Not to mention there are a lot of dangerous places to get hurt in a bowling ally, ball returns, pin setters, and pin polishers.

 

It’s sexy including a hot chick in a super high mini skirt bending over to bowl and showing off her naked clam.  You’ll have to watch that scene near the beginning to unleash the fourteen year old boy in you.

The acting is quite bad and zany at times securing it’s B-horror status and cult potential.

She evidently doesn’t like rubber dongs, you’ll see why…

Even though it might be easy to criticize gutter balls for it’s bad acting and low budget feel. It’s a brave film chock full of splatter gore, nudity, and way better than paint by numbers multi-million dollar budget horror.

-The Director.

Battle Royal review by the Director

 

What the fuck kind of school field trip is this?

In this fantasy world a fascist government deals with juvenile disobedience by passing the BR Act. 42 ninth graders are taken to a remote island where their sadistic teacher and the military force them to engage in the ‘Battle Royal’. They have 3 days to kill each other until one stands as the victor.

How the BR works:

Each student has a collar put around their neck. If they refuse to kill each other or there is no winner in three days this happens:

Asian exploding blood, awesome I know.

The kids are of course shocked and terrified but they have little choice. Forced at gun point and terrified from that little demonstration each student is given a bag containing some food and water and a weapon or some item that they may find useful. Some of the kids get a machine gun, others get a fucking useless paper fan or a frying pan, though most get something deadly including poison, a knife, sword, hand gun, sickle, as so on.

Sex:

These are minors so there is no sex or nudity. The girls are wearing semi-short skirts if you are a into statutory rape.

Gore:

Welcome to a gorehound buffet. We get a brutal death every few minutes. It never lets up and it’s explicit. Chopped off heads, multiple shootings, stabbings, and fountains of blood. You won’t be disappointed.

Even though the movie is shocking in nature, kids killing each other and over the top gore, it’s actually a really good movie. Some of the students form alliances, some commit suicide, some go Rambo, some alliances break down.

There is teen romance, there is a constant feeling of innocents coming from these kids. I found them all, though at times stereotypical, engaging. I felt bad for some and I found myself rooting for them to survive.

Two ‘transfer students’ are thrown in the mix. One is a total psychopath and elected to be a part of this BR insanity.

The other was last year’s previous winner. He has experience and seems like the obvious favorite, being older and toughened from his previous BR experience. I won’t spoil how things unfold for him.

Acting:

All the kids do a great job. I couldn’t find anything to be critical of.

The teacher oozed psychosis, well played sir, well played.

Directing:

As with nearly all Asian films I watch their is a clear feeling of perfectionism. Great attention is paid to everything so the film looks great and is comfortable to follow. Of course this flick isn’t overly predictable, you’ll just have to see what happens.

Final Grade:

This is one of the best movies I’ve ever scene. It has heart, terror, visceral gore, a great plot, and an engaging story. Sometimes the teen romance get’s a little over the top but the movie always gets quickly back to the savage battle to prevent it from being cheesy. Some of the kids back stories are hardcore. The villainous kids are scary. The story has a believable feel even though the plot is realistically ridiculous. This is a great flick you will have a fun time watching. It’s pure horror entertainment. If you haven’t seen it, get to it now!

I give it an +A

-The class Director

Dead Alive -Aficidados review

Before Peter Jackson directed Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit he made this gem. One of the goriest movies out there. Sometimes campy, funny, but gross as hell. An original gross out Zombie movie, with a karate fighting priest and an 18 minute lawnmower vs. zombies blood bath.
A Must See!

-Aficionados 

Dream Home (2010) review by the Director

The Market:

In the USA the housing market was blasting off like a soviet rocket. It was giving real-estate agents wet dreams and home owners felt like they were going to be equiety millions. Experts called it a bubble. It couldn’t last. It was going to pop like a zit. No one listened. Across the planet, Hong Kong was experiencing the same explosion. The city was not a home buyers market. Unless you are one determined buyer.

The Motive:

All Cheng Lai Sheung wanted was house on the water front. She works two jobs. Putting money in the bank and promising herself one day she would have her dream home. Though Cheng grew up poor moving around in the slums of Hong Kong and disappointed in her father for what he couldn’t do for their family, it wouldn’t be her fate.

Cheng shops around. She looks into buying a condo on the water, but she just doesn’t have enough money. She finds her situation intolerable. The more she slaves away the more the housing bubble expands. She will never succeed.

One top of that conundrum, it seems like every man living in Hong Kong is banging a mistress while his guliable wife and kids believe his lies about being in yet another overtime meeting. Cheng is dating an asshole who is cheating on his wife. He likes to get drunk and fuck Cheng in fancy hotels. She puts up with him. He has money. Maybe he can be her ticket to a new life. At some point, Cheng is tired of slaving, waiting, and fucking affluent adulterers. The housing bubble hasn’t popped. Cheng has concocted a plan to drive prices down in one particularly appealing high rise…

Sex:

Naked girls, tits, butts, some fairly explicit simulated sex. Unfortunately the setting hardly makes any of it erotic.

Gore:

It’s a gorehounds buffet. High body count. Ruthless murders, disemboweled, brains blown out, stabbings, stranglings, suffocation, death by jagged wood, eye popped out, a chopped off penis with cum dripping out of it, glass bong death, it’s nasty and very bloody. The effects are 80% practical and look amazing. The attention to detail is excellent. There is some CGI touch ups only the most sensitive palates will notice. Sure I wish all the gore had all been old school but the CGI allowed for some creative kills. 

Acting: 

All the characters performed well. The main character Cheng was attractive and captivating. She was a great lead. She doesn’t seem capable of what she does, but once she is committed she doesn’t give up. I bought it.

There are plenty of city shots and lingering establishing shots. It’s as if the buildings themselves are a character in the film. I am a sexy building, you want me, you want me bad don’t you. 

Directing: 

Dream Home was directed and written by Ho Cheng Pang. He did an amazing job. Home run.

It’s a beautifully shot film. Some creative camera work but not too much so it becomes distracting. The story is told in flash backs of Cheng’s life while jumping to the present as she enacts her psychotic plan. I am always impressed with the precision of Asian films. Their movies look flawless, expert attention is paid to details. Everyone involved works hard to make the movie look great. Dream Home is a gruesome film, unsettling. The erie lack of music during some of the violent parts of the movie add to the brutality. Prepare to be freaked out.

Closing the sale: 

Dream Home is an absolute must see for horror fans. It’s brutal and never lets up.

You will love it right from the start. I enjoyed the way the story unfolded. I was scared of Cheng, her subtle, and not so subtle, determination and psychopathic nature is horror candy. This film even boasts a great ending. How many horror movies start on a high note and end on one? It tests your gag reflex the whole way as it batters you with its nihilistic delivery. Dream Home is coated with feminine materialism grotesquely and uninhibitedly displayed like a crack whore’s spread eagle gash caked with smegma and oozing herpes sores.

See Dream Home immediately, anyway you can. Put forth the effort just like Cheng would do, to get what she wants.

5 out of 5 !!!!!

-The Director

Black Sunday reviewed by zee Director

Black Sunday

 

What the hell is going on? 

Asa (Barbara Steele) full-time witch and part-time vampire is put to a violent death by her own fucking brother Prince Vajda! The Prince renounces any ties with his sister, because seriously, nothing divides a family like religion. Asa vows to exact revenge on her family until Vadja shuts her up with a nasty little relic of medieval torture. It is referred to as the Mask of Satan.

The Mask of Satan as seen worn on the red carpet by Ann Hathaway 

The Mask has an Asian samurai looking battlestar galactica face on one side and long ass spikes on the inside. The bastards place that leaden veil on Asa’s face and with a giant hammer, at her brother’s behest, pound that mask into place. That is dressing up for Halloween the hard way.

         My hammer is a tree trunk. 

Sunday getting blacker: 

This film is directed by Mario Bava. He is the great Italian director from the golden age of Italian horror films. Bava’s work inspired the italian ‘gaillo’ film genre which later influenced the modern day slasher films. I obviously recommend his work as it was recommend to me.

Ironically the film is black & white and film has ‘black’ in the title yet there are no black people in the film.

After Asa is masked ‘iron maiden style’ she is buried in a coffin. The coffin has a little glass window at the face. Neat, huh? You don’t see many of those. Coffins with a view. It’s on purpose though. A giant cross is placed in clear view for Asa (through the mask of satan) which renders her powerless. Here, she is left to rot, and rot she dost.

Black Sunday then picks up on the 200th anniversary of Asa and her vampire lover/servant Javutich’s, death by angry mob. The current elderly Prince Vajda knows about the anniversary and is particularly troubled this year. His house servant gives him a phat gold cross and reminds him that crazy dead bitches can’t do shit when you gots a gold ass cross like dat. Well he doesn’t say it like that, being an elderly white man, but it’s basically what he says.

Elsewhere bumbling Doctor Kruejan and handsome young Doctor Gorovek are traveling to Moscow for a medical conference. Dr. Kruejan is a lot like Inspector Gadget but without the gadgets. (I”m not going to type out these long foreign names, so I’ll give them nicknames. Dr. K, and Goro.) Goro has a little too much delicious Russian vodka and Dr. K sends him off to bed. He tells Goro he is going to take a stroll with his pipe and then be up. I assume he isn’t going to take advantage of Goro. It’s not that type of movie. But, it is foreign so you really never know. That’s part of the reason foreign films can be so satisfying.

Without going through all the details, Dr. K ends up in the crypt of Asa the witch. The stooge knocks over the giant cross shattering it, which breaks the window in Asa’s coffin. If that isn’t enough he manages to cut himself and drip his blood on Asa. Here I’m not sure if this begins to restore Asa back to life, because she is a vampire or a witch. She is referred to as a witch yet she behaves like a vampire. It’s a little confusing but, it’s not really as big an issue as I’m making it seem.

Asa calls forth her love and servant Javutich from the grave. Javutich’s wet slimly hand pushes up from the moist earth. I love when you see the dead coming up from the grave. I may be wrong but most modern movies do not have zombies coming up from graves. Though Javutich isn’t a zombie. He is one ugly comrade and there is no way he is plugging Barbara Steele.

(even with his needle dick in her bot fly holes)

Javutich slowly digs himself out of the grave. Great scene. Oh and look another Mask of Satan!

Now the evil witch and her sidekick are back. They quickly posses Dr. K, (doctor of stupidity) and use him to dispatch the prince. It is here I will stop giving plot details.

Ok a few more important details. the Princess is Asa’s mirror image. Actually she is. Barbara Steele plays a dual role as Asa and the Princess. Dr. Goro and a priest become our protagonists, mostly Dr. Goro, who falls for the Princess.

   Dr. Gorovek on the right, me on the left. 

Oh and there is an angry mob. Apparently, before the TV and the internet forming an angry mob was how people entertained themselves at night.

It’s branding time bitch aka a typical weeknight in Russia before TV and the internet. 

Acting: 

I thought Barbara Steele’s performance as the witch stole the show. When she was the princess. She was very somber and pretty in goth but, when she was the witch, you couldn’t take your eyes off her. Well done.
Everyone else was good. I think actors in this era seemed to take their job very seriously. I thought everyone did well. Dr. Goro was a bit of a tool, but it was his character. He reminded me of a prince from a disney movie. Which disney prince? Any of them, except Aladdin, or any non-white 50s era type prince.

Sex:

Mario Bava doesn’t shy away from sex and nudity. This movie should have had some, but nada. So here is an image from one of Bava’s other films (The House of Exorcism) if you are a fourteen year old boy.

Gore:

We get the mask of Satan worn, ouch, some eye gouging, impaling, human bar-b-que, post mask of Satan scares, which look like the worse bot fly marks or the worst black heads ever. (‘Black’ heads in ‘Black’ Sunday!) One very cool eye forming in a skull effect. Mario Bava was know for his special effects and worked on creature FX in some films.

Javutich’s face is disgustingly gory. His bangs and mustache will haunt your dreams.

‘Come with me.’ (Hello! Who wouldn’t?)

Final Black Thought:

Ironically it’s Sunday as I type this in black.

This is a classic foreign horror. It’s creepy and scary like a campfire tale then a walk in the blackest woods. Though today’s movies have amazing practical special FX and CGI, there are classic tales like Black Sunday that still captivate. With me it’s often about two things, was it entertaining? and did it provide me with an escape from reality? This film did both for me. I loved the atmosphere. The details, the costumes, the creepiness of the film, the actors, and the the satanic genre. I don’t watch many black and white movies. I found I quickly accepted the lack of color and wasn’t irritated by it.

I wish there had been some nudity. But I’m just being sleazy. Perhaps the era of sleazy exploitation was not yet upon us. Truth is everything about this movie was cool and spooky, it was little details in films like this that inspired modern day horror masters and their predecessors in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. It is considered the pinnacle of Italian gothic horror. Who am I to question that reputation? Watch it and let it enfold you.

-Director

Candyman

“They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What’s blood for, if not for shedding?” -Candyman

5 out of 5 Stabs

-Girl Gruesome

–

Hellraiser reviewed by Rabid Fox

   1987 Written and Directed by Clive Barker

This is a movie that hooks you right from the beginning (yeah, you see where this is going).

A shadowy Asian merchant (taking a break from selling Mogwai?) peddles his wares to an extreme pleasure-seeker, Frank. Frank’s hedonistic tendencies have led him to a puzzle box that unlocks a gateway to Hell (or some dimension of Lovecraftian horror) where beings called Cenobites inflict exquisite pain. Frank discovers the secrets (well, not so secret) of the box and gets a one-way ticket (sorta) to S&M heaven.

Frank’s brother (Larry) and sister-in-law (Julia) decide to move into Frank’s house after said bro has been missing for some time. A quick shot of Larry and Julia putting all the house’s religious objects out to the curb may provide a clue as to how things are going to fare for the new tenants.

It’s not long before we’re treated to a nice flashback scene that shows us Frank and Julia’s first encounter and what I would call the “Sexual Awakening of Julia” montage that ends up paying off in spades for Frank later. While unpacking, Larry gets a deep cut on his hand and runs to Julia for help. Larry, it appears, is a puss and can’t stand the sight of his own blood. As he’s portrayed early on, it seems that Larry should be hanging out as sitcom dad or getting into shenanigans with Steve Guttenberg (this is the 80s after all). But not here in demonic S&M land! Fortunately for us horror aficionados, Larry is a gusher and bleed all over the floor in Frank’s old sex/adventure room which also ends up paying gangbusters for Frank. Turns out the trickle of blood reawakens Frank’s heart which was stuck under the floorboards for some reason (a little Poe imagery for you literary types).

The scene in where Frank reveals his rotted fleshless form to Julia showcases a great use of makeup and practical effects, great for the gore lover! And we also find out that Frank has somehow escaped the Cenobites. Frank explains to Julia that he needs more blood so that he can return to his pre-Hell self and they can then live happily ever after. I guess the demonic leather daddies can’t touch him after he’s back to his old self?

Luckily for the audience, Julia has legitimate moments of doubt where she struggles with the decision to help Frank. Frank is definitely a manipulator but he spends half the movie skinless, and what he’s oozing ain’t charm, so maybe he brought back a little Cenobite Fly with him from the pit? Julia does decide that she’s willing to help (wouldn’t be much of a movie if she didn’t) and again, we’re treated to a series of scenes that encompass the “Corruption of Julia” where we get to see her trolling the bars looking for some fresh meat to bring home to Frank. We get a beautiful moment where a blood-spattered Julia, channeling a little Lady Macbeth, tries washing clean her bloody hands and then a final “break” where you can literally see her take that final step onto the road of damnation. That might be my favorite part of this whole movie. Yes, the story is interesting, the monsters are unique, the gore is superb, but a lot of “bad guys” in horror movies don’t get much opportunity to struggle with the decision to do bad things.

During all of this we’re also stuck with a B plot involving Larry’s daughter Kirsty. Nobody needs to care about Kirsty until she stumbles upon Julia and Frank bludgeoning another poor schmoe (or bar perv if you prefer). Then Kirsty becomes the catalyst for the rest of the film. Turns out Frank is very aware of his niece’s blossoming and I’m sure a little family loving isn’t outside the realm of thought for someone that’s literally been torn to pieces by hellspawn to satisfy his cravings.

Kirsty manages to run away with the magical puzzle box and immediately gets it to open, which introduces her to the Cenobites who still have no fucking clue that Frank had escaped (I guess all slop piles of human remains start to look alike after a while). Anyway, as I mentioned at the beginning, the box is pretty much the least puzzling puzzle ever because you pretty much just have to sneeze in it’s direction to open the fucker; I guess if the portal to Hell was a Rubik’s cube the Cenobites would never have any fun though, right? Also, the “rule” of the box is that if you open it you are stuck with the ‘Bites so for innocent (well, 80s innocent) Kirsty that sucks and she makes a deal to trade them Frank in exchange for her salvation.

The rest of the film wraps up nicely (for us, not the shit-out-of-luck characters), with some great horrific moments and, again, great use of practical effects. Even the few 80’s CG effects are used so sparingly that you don’t immediately go “oh look, shitty 80’s graphics”. This is definitely a “must see” for any horror fan and the attention to detail, story, and character development (at least for Julia) are far too rare in newer movies. I’m sure that those qualities were due in large, if not full, part to the fact that Clive Barker wrote and directed this film based on his own short story The Hellbound Heart. Kudos!

Question to ponder after repeat viewings:

– Is there a phase in Frank’s “rebirth” where he might consider “eh, this is good enough”? Consider how much pain he’d be in all the time if he was just a bundle of raw, exposes nerves. Sounds like paradise!

-Rabid Fox