Horror Express -review Lawrence S. Talbot

This is one that’s really slipped through the cracks over the years and there isn’t much of an excuse for it, because it’s in the public domain and readily available for free on the internet or on a variety of cheap, public domain collections that you can find in any number of Wal-Mart bargain bins. However, it’s also for that reason that it’s a real diamond in the rough.

Christopher Lee plays Archaeologist, Professor Alexander Saxton, who discovered a prehistoric ape-man , which may be the famous missing link, frozen in ice. Proud of his discovery, Saxton puts his precious cargo onto a train and plans are made for the exhibition of the groundbreaking discovery. Aboard the train, Saxton meets his professional rival, Doctor Wells, played by the great, Peter Cushing. The frozen creature soon revives and begins killing people aboard the train. When the monster is shot dead, everyone believes the nightmare to be over. However, the victims of the creature soon display eerie blood red eyes and turn homicidal. Saxton and Wells must combine forces in order to get to the root of the creature’s origins and stop the killings.

The film is a take on the the classic Agatha Christie novel, Murder on the Orient Express and replaces the traditional killer with a creature of possible demonic origins. The always wonderful Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee star in this underrated monster movie and give the already spooky offerings a sense of class. The creature’s origins are really interesting and surprisingly seem to draw from John W Campbell’ story, Who Goes there?, which was also the basis for the 1951 science fiction classic, the Thing from another world and its John Carpenter remake from 1982.

The real horror comes from the fact that the characters are isolated on a train, while the creature could really be anyone onboard. The creepy, whistling musical score by John Cacavas is very chilling and you will probably find yourself whistling it after watching the film. Though it’s a Spanish production, it feels like it belongs right alongside one of the British Hammer or Amicus classics that were being produced at around the same time. I really whole heartedy recommend it and since it’s so readily available, what do you have to lose?

-Lawrence S. Talbot

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth -review by Rabid Fox

 

To quickly recap the end of Part II, Kirsty managed to remind Pinhead of his former human self, Captain Elliot Spencer. This allowed Kirsty and company to escape the box and seal the evil back inside. The part in which Pinhead “reverts” to his human self turns out to repercussions that are dealt with in Hellraiser III. There’s also the obelisk that pops up in Channard’s office at the end of II with several tortured-looking faces and Pinhead’s image along with the rest and that too is pertinent for the next film.

That said…

Part III starts with young playboy J.P. Monroe searching an art gallery for a new work to add to his collection. The obelisk is among the works there and the features of the work, tortured faces and a curious looking box also set into the sculpture, immediately catch J.P.’s eye. A sketchy-looking merchant is happy to part with the object and tells J.P. to get a great deal of “pleasure” from the object.

Meanwhile…

In another part of town, young newscaster Joey is reporting out of a local emergency room looking for her big break. It turns out to be a no-news night and her cameraman gets called away on a real story. Joey’s bad luck soon “improves” as a young man is rushed into the emergency room accompanied by a panicked-looking young lady. The man is covered in bloody chains with hooks embedded in his flesh. Joey watches as they take him into a room to attempt to treat him but the chains begin to float and crackle with energy while the man writhes in pain. Joey is then shocked when she sees the man torn apart. The young woman that accompanied the victim has run off but leaves behind a matchbook for a club called The Boiler Room so Joey leaves to find out more about the bizarre event.

And of course…

Through her brief investigating Joey learns that J.P. is the owner of The Boiler Room. She also learns that he’s a misogynistic asshole but there has to be at least one in every Hellraiser movie so in part III we have J.P. As a quick aside, the Boiler Room is a weird place.

Joey walks in to one part and the décor looks like it caters to metal heads but they’re playing Soup Dragons and the place is full of yuppies. Then in another room there’s a metal band playing on stage (well, 80s hair metal) and then when Joey finally runs into J.P. it’s in the dining room which looks like a 5-star restaurant and is full of well-to-do patrons that look like they would be very awkward at a metal bar. Anyway, it’s assumed that all of that is the same place which is crazy…

So it turns out that the young lady that Joey is looking for is Terri, J.P.’s “girlfriend”. I say that in quotations because even before they show J.P. banging other women it’s not too hard to imagine that he’s not a girlfriend kinda guy.

But Terri is curious to talk to Joey anyway so she shows up at Joey’s place and they have some girl talk about dreams and whatnot. Joey, by the way, has these vivid dreams about her father who apparently got left behind and died in Vietnam, or at least that’s how she dreams it. So after dreams and girl talk Terri reveals that the guy who was torn apart had been fiddling with the puzzle box that they pulled out of the sculpture at J.P.’s place. Later, Terri takes Joey to the gallery (and by takes, I mean they break in) where J.P. got the sculpture and they poke around looking for any information about its origins or any info that might be available on the box. They happen upon a folder containing some sketches of the puzzle box as well as information about the Channard Institute which is where the events of the previous film occurred (but you already knew that smarty!). Joey contacts the institute and pesters them for any information that they might have on the box or the sculpture and they send her tapes of Kirsty (hey, Kirsty!) talking about the box’s sinister secrets. In one of the videos, the Kirsty session is interrupted by a cutaway to Pinhead’s human persona Elliot Spencer who tells Joey that Kirsty’s seemingly crazy talk about demons and gateways to “hell” are true and that Spencer needs Joey’s help.

Meanwhile…

In a cutaway scene J.P. is pondering his sculpture when he notices a puzzle box-sized hole on one side. For no apparent reason other than “script said so” J.P. reaches his hand way inside the sculpture hole and finds a mouse or rat hiding in there which, scared, bites him and scurries away (go rat!). J.P. bleeds all over the place because the rat apparently had teeth long enough to hit pay dirt, and some of that blood gets on the sculpture and soaks in. If you remember the previous films, the villain gets stuck in some sort of limbo and needs blood – a lot of blood – to be brought back to life; in the first film it was Frank, in the second film it was Julia, and in this film it’s Pinhead. Pinhead whispers lots of tempting things to J.P. to get him on board with helping break the Cenobite out of his artsy prison and J.P. uses his playboy bad boy status to lure more people to the slaughter. At some point he thinks, “Hey, I wonder where my ‘girlfriend’ is? I bet she’d like to be sacrificed so that I can have more power!”

But…

Terri is not really interested in J.P.’s offer because Joey is trying to help her get her life back on track (or maybe just ‘on track’). But while Joey is out at some point Terri, who by the way is staying at Joey’s place, overhears an answering machine message about Joey getting a job out in California. So now Terri, thinking that Joey is just bullshitting her, decides to mope back to J.P. and she gets to see Pinhead emerge from the sculpture, lucky gal! But at least she left Joey a note so that Joey wouldn’t worry…

So now Joey’s vivid dreaming – or maybe not dreaming – continues with a step into Spencer’s limbo. Joey starts off in the Quonset hut where Spencer first unlocked the puzzle box and eventually became Pinhead but that image of him is frozen. As Joey leaves the hut she is in the trenches during WWI (Spencer’s original time) and he is there to explain, basically, that he is one aspect of Pinhead but that those elements of their personality got separated into two beings after the events of the previous film. So now Pinhead, the purely evil part, is loose, chaotic and, since he is unbound from the box, has limitless power. So Spencer implores Joey to help lure Pinhead back into Spencer’s limbo so that they can both stop him before he dooms everyone.

And since the movie’s sub-title is Hell on Earth, you can pretty much guess what Pinhead wants to do. Pinhead, outside of the box and with no intention of going back in, is able to really get down and make some Cenobites.

It hadn’t really been established before just how that happens but the second movie seemed to imply that Leviathan (a part of the movie mythology that just seems to get dropped… forever…) is the one that transforms souls into soldiers of hell.

Oh well. So Pinhead tears through the Boiler Room and slaughters pretty much everyone. Joey stumbles on to the site of the massacre and has a little chat with Pinhead. Joey actually has the upper hand since Pinhead can’t really hurt her while she has the box and he can’t just take the box, it has to be given to him willingly. But, Pinhead can affect everything around Joey so when she runs off he uses his power bring chaos out into the streets. Pinhead also proceeds to turn a bunch of people into Cenobites to help go after Joey. Most of these newbie ‘bites look kind of cheesy; one of them, the Boiler Room DJ, gets turned into some CD-spewing monster which is kind of terrible and funny and makes you wonder what he would look like in the MP3 era. And her camera-man buddy from earlier gets turned into a Cenobite with an evil camera lense eye and gets to say “Ready for your close-up Joey?” and “that’s a wrap” in a “menacing” way.

And now for the showdown…

Joey has the puzzle box and she and Spencer want Pinhead trapped back inside whereas Pinhead and his Cenobite horde are trying to track down the box in order to destroy it and remain free of hell once and for all. During all the street chaos Joey enters a church to seek holy protection. Pinhead enters and gleefully destroys the church and its holy icons, laughing away the priest’s attempt to ward away the evil by holding a cross. Pinhead removes some of his head pins and impales himself through the palms in a mock-crucifixion then performs an unholy communion on the priest by making the priest eat of Pinhead’s flesh and blood.

Some people may find this scene out of place since up until now the Hellraiser movies have been more ambiguous about specific faiths and it isn’t even known whether or not the puzzle box “hell” is Biblical Hell or just some other plane of existence. Either way, it’s mainly meant for shock value to those who might find religious mockery or desecration to be bad.

Joey bolts from the church and winds up at a nearby construction site where she gets cornered by Pinhead and the other Cenobites, including Cenobite J.P. and Terri, how fun for them! Joey is able to trigger the box to dispel the Cenobites and afterwards again finds herself in the dreamlike state where she sees her father. Or is it her father? Nope! It’s tricky ole Pinhead and he tricks Joey into handing him the box. Joey is still able to control the scene though and change the Vietnam backdrop to bring them all into Spencer’s Quonset hut once again. In order to finally stop Pinhead, Spencer has to re-merge with his evil aspect giving Joey a chance to recapture the box and trap the evil inside once again.

Finally…

Once the threat has been resolved Joey finds that she is back at the construction site and buries the box in cement to keep it from seeing the light of day. Afterwards we fast forward to see that the completed building with a sculpture outside and a lobby design that look identical to the designs on the outside of the puzzle box.

Overall…

Well sequels start to get a little hinky after two and this one is no exception. It is okay and worth a watch in the context of the first two but the franchise is already showing its wear at this point. At least they haven’t gone into space… yet…

A couple of WTF moments that stand out to me:

The priest who initially tries to tell Joey that demons aren’t real (her reply is hilarious)

When Joey gets tricked into handing over the box to Pinhead she says something like “that’s not fair” HAHAHA!

Hellraiser III has some decent gore, not any real nudity, some blasphemous (to some) imagery.

-Rabid Fox

The Devil’s Due (2014) -review by the Director.

 

The Gist:

Zach is in love with Sam. They’re soon to be wed, those little love birds. Zach is a sycophant codependent. Every move Sam makes he is there with his video camera.

Zach and Sam will have no need for long term memory because Zach is literally recording everything they do. In fact that is how we watch the ‘Devil’s Due’ through video cameras.

OBGYN:

When you are on vacation, lets say your honey moon and you are drunk and tired. It’s your last night of your vacation. You just want to get home to your hotel, have sex one more time and get some sleep before you catch a plane in the a.m. Don’t, and I mean don’t, go with some ostentatious cab driver hyper-pressuring you to go to this wild party only the locals know about.

Because you might drink to much tequila and end up put in a room that acts as gateway to hell. In this room you might get boned by the devil and subsequently get pregnant with his hybrid love child. This is exactly what happened to Zach and Samantha. Her slit was filled with satanic seed.

 The palm reader knew where this was going.

Through the hand held and surveillance camares we watch Samantha come to term.

Being pregnant with demon sperm effects a girl. Sam is a vegetarian and she eats raw meat in the grocery store. She has some type of super power, while eating deer in the woulds she kills some kids by throwing them violently into the air. 

          Get away you nosey fuckers!

Zach is realizing something is wrong. He, very slowly and far too late, uncovers the whole thing is a satanic plot. 

Devil’s Due isn’t an exact remake though it does follow closely the basic plot of Rosemary’s Baby except you see the movie more through the husband’s perspective rather than the mother’s, a subtle deviation from Roman Polanski’s film.

Acting:

I thought the acting was good.

 A lot of Sam lying around is exciting to watch.

Gore:

Some mutilated deer, a post caesarian section which isn’t very gory (nothing like Inside), some blood spitting, a huge needle going stuck in Sam’s belly bump, one decent boo-scare, some death by devil jedi force power.

Sex:

No nudity, no devil fucking, it’s only implied. Sam in a bikini, some clothed butt shots by her codependent hubby.

Something like this would have made the movie a lot better!

Directing:

Good job, telling a whole story with a video camera, that can’t be easy. Remarkable sound quality for watching something recorded with a surveillance camera, a hand held video cam, and a spy cam.

 Aww Satan junior is kicking, hard. 

Due Date: 

Before I say anything too critical I want to say I do like movies shot like this. Shot like Paranormal Activity, Blair Witch, Cannibal Holocaust. They create tension and realism. I think making a movie like this, with ‘an actor using a video camera’ ( I say that because in reality the actor is not really recording, the film crew is. It just looks like the actor is doing it.), is brave and takes talent to tell the story.

I love horror movies, this is a horror movie, and it’s not that bad.

 Don’t mess with a girl make a gateway to hell.

But that being said it’s not a movie you should go see at the theater, buy the DVD, or even rent at red box. It’s a film you might check out when you have a world class hangover, are suck home while your friends are out snowboarding, and it happens to be on cable. 

The story is predictable as hell. The movie lacks punch, gore, sex, sometimes it’s down right boring. How do you make a movie about being pregnant with Satan’s baby and it is boring? Somehow Devil’s Due accomplished this. A big plot hole is why doesn’t Zach watch all this footage he has taken? You could have found some clues there buddy.

The Symbol used in the movie the C with two dashes is explained to be a cult symbol for 1 John 2:18 about the anti-christ. While that is explained by the priest. We get no further details. Why or from where this symbol comes from is never explained. Is it really from a satanic cult or is it a symbol the writer (Lindsay Devlin) just arbitrary used because she thought it looked cool?

On a purely personal note, the part that really upsets me, and this is even true of a good devil baby movie like Rosemary’s Baby, is that in the end, the devil worshipers get their antichrist and the movie ends! We never get to see what happens. I just invested 90 minutes watching a 9 month occult pregnancy and I don’t get to see what shenanigans Satan junior get’s into. All I saw in Devil’s Due was that Demon’s Son’s head glows orange. I won’t spoil who lives or dies if you still want to see what Zach has on his SD card.

Unfortunately, in conclusion  I’m going to have to give this one a thumbs down. I hate to do it. I really wanted to like this one, but it just wasn’t satisfying enough.

This is the look on my face at the end of the movie too!

-The Director.

Evil Dead (2013) -Review by Chris Webb

 

Hello horror aficionados. Everyone knows that I feel there is no need for remakes. I appreciate what new writers and directors can create. Bringing fresh ideas to the horror table. I’m delighted when these newcomers can think ‘outside the box’, entertained by what they can construct out of relatively original ideas rather than clever or not so clever cash cow remakes.

On my death bed I will continue to say Evil Dead 2, as it is, will always be the best horror movie of all time! (it is).

That being said I did enjoy the new versions of Nightmare on Elm Street and the Texas Chainsaw reboots. I did not dig the remake of Psycho, because well, it totally sucked balls!

Touching our precious Evil Dead, I felt that was going way too far. It’s practically statutory rape. However Sam Rami did what Wes Craven, Toby Hooper, and Clive Barker did, they sold out, hopefully for millions. Can you blame them? No.

So I reluctantly watched the Evil Dead (2013). I tried to keep an open mind, stubbornly, but I did. And you know what?

I FREAKING LOVED IT!

The cast for the revision of Evil Dead, to its credit, was hand picked by Sam Rami and Bruce Campbell.

They chose no famous actors, which I love, and then covered them with blood.

The writers changed the names, changed the hero, changed the story a bit, creating new problems for the characters to face, gave it a whole new twist, vicious new death scenes, priceless stuff.

The Evil Dead fans, even jaded ones like I was, should grin ear to ear.

They didn’t forget the gore fans. All the gorehounds will chow down on the blood caked buffet served up in this flick.

Did I want to hate it? Yes. Did I hate it? Nope, I loved it.

Great tip of the hat to Mr. Rami’s iconic ideas trudging on into the 2010s.

I give it four decapitated thumbs way up!

-I’m Chris Webb and I approve this message.

Black Sunday reviewed by zee Director

Black Sunday

 

What the hell is going on? 

Asa (Barbara Steele) full-time witch and part-time vampire is put to a violent death by her own fucking brother Prince Vajda! The Prince renounces any ties with his sister, because seriously, nothing divides a family like religion. Asa vows to exact revenge on her family until Vadja shuts her up with a nasty little relic of medieval torture. It is referred to as the Mask of Satan.

The Mask of Satan as seen worn on the red carpet by Ann Hathaway 

The Mask has an Asian samurai looking battlestar galactica face on one side and long ass spikes on the inside. The bastards place that leaden veil on Asa’s face and with a giant hammer, at her brother’s behest, pound that mask into place. That is dressing up for Halloween the hard way.

         My hammer is a tree trunk. 

Sunday getting blacker: 

This film is directed by Mario Bava. He is the great Italian director from the golden age of Italian horror films. Bava’s work inspired the italian ‘gaillo’ film genre which later influenced the modern day slasher films. I obviously recommend his work as it was recommend to me.

Ironically the film is black & white and film has ‘black’ in the title yet there are no black people in the film.

After Asa is masked ‘iron maiden style’ she is buried in a coffin. The coffin has a little glass window at the face. Neat, huh? You don’t see many of those. Coffins with a view. It’s on purpose though. A giant cross is placed in clear view for Asa (through the mask of satan) which renders her powerless. Here, she is left to rot, and rot she dost.

Black Sunday then picks up on the 200th anniversary of Asa and her vampire lover/servant Javutich’s, death by angry mob. The current elderly Prince Vajda knows about the anniversary and is particularly troubled this year. His house servant gives him a phat gold cross and reminds him that crazy dead bitches can’t do shit when you gots a gold ass cross like dat. Well he doesn’t say it like that, being an elderly white man, but it’s basically what he says.

Elsewhere bumbling Doctor Kruejan and handsome young Doctor Gorovek are traveling to Moscow for a medical conference. Dr. Kruejan is a lot like Inspector Gadget but without the gadgets. (I”m not going to type out these long foreign names, so I’ll give them nicknames. Dr. K, and Goro.) Goro has a little too much delicious Russian vodka and Dr. K sends him off to bed. He tells Goro he is going to take a stroll with his pipe and then be up. I assume he isn’t going to take advantage of Goro. It’s not that type of movie. But, it is foreign so you really never know. That’s part of the reason foreign films can be so satisfying.

Without going through all the details, Dr. K ends up in the crypt of Asa the witch. The stooge knocks over the giant cross shattering it, which breaks the window in Asa’s coffin. If that isn’t enough he manages to cut himself and drip his blood on Asa. Here I’m not sure if this begins to restore Asa back to life, because she is a vampire or a witch. She is referred to as a witch yet she behaves like a vampire. It’s a little confusing but, it’s not really as big an issue as I’m making it seem.

Asa calls forth her love and servant Javutich from the grave. Javutich’s wet slimly hand pushes up from the moist earth. I love when you see the dead coming up from the grave. I may be wrong but most modern movies do not have zombies coming up from graves. Though Javutich isn’t a zombie. He is one ugly comrade and there is no way he is plugging Barbara Steele.

(even with his needle dick in her bot fly holes)

Javutich slowly digs himself out of the grave. Great scene. Oh and look another Mask of Satan!

Now the evil witch and her sidekick are back. They quickly posses Dr. K, (doctor of stupidity) and use him to dispatch the prince. It is here I will stop giving plot details.

Ok a few more important details. the Princess is Asa’s mirror image. Actually she is. Barbara Steele plays a dual role as Asa and the Princess. Dr. Goro and a priest become our protagonists, mostly Dr. Goro, who falls for the Princess.

   Dr. Gorovek on the right, me on the left. 

Oh and there is an angry mob. Apparently, before the TV and the internet forming an angry mob was how people entertained themselves at night.

It’s branding time bitch aka a typical weeknight in Russia before TV and the internet. 

Acting: 

I thought Barbara Steele’s performance as the witch stole the show. When she was the princess. She was very somber and pretty in goth but, when she was the witch, you couldn’t take your eyes off her. Well done.
Everyone else was good. I think actors in this era seemed to take their job very seriously. I thought everyone did well. Dr. Goro was a bit of a tool, but it was his character. He reminded me of a prince from a disney movie. Which disney prince? Any of them, except Aladdin, or any non-white 50s era type prince.

Sex:

Mario Bava doesn’t shy away from sex and nudity. This movie should have had some, but nada. So here is an image from one of Bava’s other films (The House of Exorcism) if you are a fourteen year old boy.

Gore:

We get the mask of Satan worn, ouch, some eye gouging, impaling, human bar-b-que, post mask of Satan scares, which look like the worse bot fly marks or the worst black heads ever. (‘Black’ heads in ‘Black’ Sunday!) One very cool eye forming in a skull effect. Mario Bava was know for his special effects and worked on creature FX in some films.

Javutich’s face is disgustingly gory. His bangs and mustache will haunt your dreams.

‘Come with me.’ (Hello! Who wouldn’t?)

Final Black Thought:

Ironically it’s Sunday as I type this in black.

This is a classic foreign horror. It’s creepy and scary like a campfire tale then a walk in the blackest woods. Though today’s movies have amazing practical special FX and CGI, there are classic tales like Black Sunday that still captivate. With me it’s often about two things, was it entertaining? and did it provide me with an escape from reality? This film did both for me. I loved the atmosphere. The details, the costumes, the creepiness of the film, the actors, and the the satanic genre. I don’t watch many black and white movies. I found I quickly accepted the lack of color and wasn’t irritated by it.

I wish there had been some nudity. But I’m just being sleazy. Perhaps the era of sleazy exploitation was not yet upon us. Truth is everything about this movie was cool and spooky, it was little details in films like this that inspired modern day horror masters and their predecessors in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. It is considered the pinnacle of Italian gothic horror. Who am I to question that reputation? Watch it and let it enfold you.

-Director

The Shrine (2010) -review by Rabid Fox

Overview: A journalist, her photographer boyfriend, and her 3rd wheel intern, travel to Poland to investigate mysterious disappearances linked to a remote village. The trio uncover a creepy sect that are not happy to have anyone nosing around their business. Horrific times ensue.

Impressions: The opening scene shows a man strapped to some sort of altar and someone using a heavy hammer to smash a metal-spiked plate into the victim’s face. Great start but I expected that the movie might end up like Hostel, just some “Americans in a strange land” torture porn. I was surprised that there was more to offer! The village is positioned near a wooded area covered in perpetual fog. In that fog, the journalist finds a creepy demonic statue that appears to follow her gaze and hold a beating heart in its clutches. Also, in addition to the “suspicious of outsiders” villagers, we also catch a glimpse of a man in some religious garb who acts very hostile towards the outsiders. The token friendly villager in this film is a little girl who tries to help the trio find out what happened to the missing travelers but ends up getting them into deep shit. I don’t want to give too much away but the film takes a great supernatural turn and the creepy cultists get to have some refreshing depth.

-Rabid Fox

Candyman

“They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What’s blood for, if not for shedding?” -Candyman

5 out of 5 Stabs

-Girl Gruesome

–

The Devil’s Carnival reviewed by Ashley Sin Derella (Quickies)

 

The Devil’s Carnival 

I enjoyed this short horror musical so much when I first saw it, that to be honest I watched it every night for a week. The music is so fun and enchanting and the actors portray their parts so well you never for a second believe anything other than the story could have ever been their world. I am doing a quickies review on this so I am just going to touch on my favorite aspects of this film.

My favorite character is the Painted Doll. She does not speak one bit but then you get to her musically number Prick! The Scorpions Tail and it is just jaw dropping. It is done in an opera kind of way and words just can not express how beautiful it is. However she being my favorite character and the song being a great one it is not my favorite song, my favorite song is beautiful stranger, seriously go look it up. That scene is awesome. For more than just the song. You can find it on youtube.com. Go! Go now! I’ll be here when your done  anyways this film means a lot to me and it saddens me that I can’t review it at more length but I want you to watch it.

With fun music characters and the way it makes you see heaven and hell as almost equal evil’s (watch how God throws the broken dolls away and put two and two together) this film gets a 4 out of 5 brain stabs for this girl only because damn it I wanted more and hour was too short!!!! Til next time stay haunted ghoulies!

– Ashley Sin Derella 

Pumpkinhead review by Rabid Fox

 

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Overview:

Rural store owner and loving father Ed Harley loses his son in a tragic accident. He seeks a reclusive old woman to summon a demon that Harley recalls from his childhood to take revenge on the people that he holds responsible for his son’s death.

The Breakdown:

So there’s a movie with a hydrocephalic-skulled monster and Lance Henriksen and it’s not Aliens? Yes, I was intrigued too. This movie opens on a stormy night and a cabin in the woods. A panic-stricken man is pounding on the door of the Harley family’s cabin door desperate for the family to let him in. It’s clear that there is a monster after him and although we don’t know why, but we do know that there’s no way Mr. Harley is opening his door. Young Ed Harley looks out his bedroom window and sees the monster dragging his prey off into the woods.

Cut to years later and Ed Harley is a man grown. He is working his land and caring for his son and the interaction between the two is sweet – Ed Harley is a good and loving father. We see that Ed is also the owner/operator of a small rural general store and he’s about to get some visitors. A group of ambiguously-aged persons (they look like 20-somethings but this is an 80s movie so they could be trying to pass for high schoolers, college kids, or retirees) who I’ll call “kids”, are on a roadtrip to do some back-country dirt biking and cabin-staying. If the ambiguous age of the “kids” didn’t give away the 80s-ness of this movie their dirt bike fetish certainly would. The “kids” stop off at Harley’s general store and we get a quick breakdown of the group dynamics. There’s one stereotypical bad boy who likes to push his girlfriend around and is generally pretty physically and verbally abusive to his buddies. But he has a leather jacket, rides dirt bikes, and drinks and drives, so clearly this guy’s got what it takes to attract followers. The other “kids” seem decent other than their choice to hang out with Leather Jacket (as he will be referred to from here on out).

As soon as the “kids” arrive at Harley’s general store, Leather Jacket immediately shit-talks Ed’s little boy for wearing thick “coke bottle” glasses much to the chagrin of everyone around, including Ed Harley. Soon after, Ed is called away on a quick delivery and leaves junior at the store. For some reason Leather Jacket and one of his pals decides to start dirt biking right near the general store instead of waiting until they got to their cabin. The Harley’s dog, Gypsy (yes, it’s way more important to remember the dog’s name and no, I will not refer to any of the “kids” by their character names) doesn’t like the bikers or their dirt bike noises or their dirt bike ways (smart dog!) and goes chasing after them. The young Harley goes chasing after Gypsy and accidentally gets trampled under Leather Jacket’s dirt bike.

The “kids” are panicked but decide they should stay with the boy and explain to Ed that the whole thing was an accident. However, Leather Jacket has priors (because he’s a badass, remember?) so he bullies most of his friends into running away and hiding up in their cabin. One of the friends, let’s call him Nice Guy, decides to stay behind with junior until Ed comes back. As you might imagine, Ed does not take the news of the accident lightly. He gives Nice Guy a death stare and then bundles up junior to take… home? I guess the hospital is nowhere nearby so junior dies in Ed’s arms. Grief-stricken, Ed goes looking around for a special someone that lives in the woods and might be able to bring his boy back. Let’s just call this special someone the Woods Witch for lack of a better term.

So Ed Harley takes his son’s body to the Woods Witch who (is awesome!) immediately tells Ed that she doesn’t have the power to bring the boy back to life. When Ed presses her about his need for revenge, however, she notes that she can summon a demon of vengeance colloquially known as Pumpkinhead. A little grave-digging and a little of Ed and junior’s blood mixed together with some alakazam and Pumpkinhead arrives and the work of settling Ed’s score. Now what’s interesting here is that the demon is indiscriminate in his killing of the cabin-goers. That’s a little surprising since most of the “kids” are actually pretty nice and there’s even one who we see is very religious, usually in horror movies at least some of the nice ones live. Not so much here…In another interesting move, due to the blood used in the summoning ceremony, Ed and the demon are connected. As Pumpkinhead continues his killing spree we also see Ed becoming more connected to the monster, even taking on some of the demon’s attributes; only then does Ed Harley realize he’s made a devil’s bargain with the Woods Witch. As Ed struggles to stop Pumpkinhead and attempt to save himself, he comes to realize that he and the demon are too connected and that the only way the monster can be defeated is if Ed is also taken out. He relies on the sole surviving “kid” to help him out with that.

Final Analysis:

I really enjoyed this movie so don’t let the fact that I don’t really spend any effort trying to remember most of the characters’ names throw you off. The film does a great job of quickly endearing you to Ed and his son (and Gypsy!) and the story of the monster is pretty entertaining; I like that Pumpkinhead is just the name that the locals give to the demon due to its giant head and the fact that it rests in a creepy pumpkin patch. The Woods Witch is also a great character and her abode is oozing with creepy charm. All in all a very enjoyable watch, just leave your dirt bikes outside and your leather jackets at the door.

        Rating 4 out of 5

-The Rabid Fox

Hatchet 3 review by Director

 

Premise: Victory Crowely the manic is back to haunting Honey Island Swamp. A voodoo curse keeps the hatchet wielding psychopath alive. Can anyone stop this mutant freak from tearing everyone apart? Can he be stopped? Not without a fight, modern weapons versus supernatural villainy and a double sided axe. Let the brutal blood bath begin. Haunted Honey Island swamp is gonna run red with hemoglobin.

A bigger bite: Hatchet 3 smokes it’s tires right from the start with gory mayhem. Our protagonist Marybeth thinks she has killed Victor Crawley. The Cops of course don’t believe in supernatural voodoo ghosts. They arrest blood soaked Marybeth holding a meaty chunk of Crowley’s massive head. Certainly she is behind the violent killings out on Honey Island. The CSI are sent in to mop up the mess and see what really happened. Call for back up boys, Crowely ain’t dead. He is only getting started.

The chief of police is a skeptic. I, like Carl Sagon, admire some critical thinking. It’s starts to get obvious real quick Marybeth has nothing to do with the grizzly murders. Lots of cops show up to the slaughter fest like tree limbs in a chipper. The Swat team shows up bazooka and all, but it’s too late. Better yet, a large breasted GILF reporter, a believer in the Crowely legend shows up and bails Marybeth out of Jail. Which of course you can’t do without seeing a judge, but we got a plot to drive hole or no holes. She wants to help Marybeth figure how to put the monster to rest. That is, if anyone is left to save anyway.

GORE: Holy fucking guacamole is this gory. The blood flows like Niagara Falls in this one. It’s like Dead Alive up in here. I was really surprised how insanely violent this movie was. When the box says ‘strong pervasive violence’ its no exaggeration. Not to mention I saw the R rated version, not the uncut version. How the MPAA gave this an R rating I can only speculate. Maybe because it was considered slightly over the top, maybe comedic. Comedic to a hardcore horror fan, but not the casual observer.

Gorehounds will be bursting with multiple orgasms here. The gore never lets up. We get all kinds of horrific kills. No one is safe, no one. I can’t even remember if anyone survives. Every poor protector of the peace get chopped, chainsawed, shot, ripped apart, smashed, gutted, de-gloved, de-spined, and it’s all merciless. It’s a great time, a gore buffet.

Was it Scary: Not only is it chock full of sadistic manslaughter Hatchet 3 is creepy as hell. I loved the dark swamp at night. Kane Hodder returns as Victor Crowely and he is a scary enough dude without make up. Give him a giant mutant head, fill the chum bucket with lots of boo scares, and this flick gets down right chilling. I recommend taking a dark and lonely walk in the woods after watching this gory delight. Try not to look over your shoulder at every little twig you hear snap.

SEX: We get a quick hose down of Marybeth at the police station. The T,P&A are hidden unfortunately. She has one hell of a bad ass full color tattoo running down from her ribs to mid thigh, nice ink girl.

Music Score: Nothing memorable to me, it served the rampage on screen and the boo scares.

Directing/Production value: The movie looked great. The effects were all practical, sweet. I didn’t miss any action even in the low light of all the night scenes. I didn’t notice anything amazing just an all around quality job.

Final Rating: I had a great time with Hatchet 3. I felt there should have been at least some nudity. The plot was a little unrealistic, especially the way Marybeth gets out of jail and solves the mysterious solution to battle Victor. I loved the short Sid Haig cameo. It was clever how he toed the overtly racism line with a black cop. I just let unrealistic plot drives slide because I was having too much fun watching all the death scenes. The ferocity of bloody kill after blood kill at such a rapid fire pace makes the movie a ton of fun for a gorehound with attention deficit disorder. Though I don’t suffer from ADD, I am a victim of the instant gratification culture. Hatchet 3 cranks the hack and slash to full throttle from beginning to end. Yes, the film has weak spots but I would strongly recommend it to any horror fan, especially those who like it wetter than a heavy menstrual day on the rag. It’s hard to give it 5 out of 5 brain stabs but I just really liked it. It could be a 4, but to each his own.

 -Your’s truly