Dream Home (2010) review by the Director

The Market:

In the USA the housing market was blasting off like a soviet rocket. It was giving real-estate agents wet dreams and home owners felt like they were going to be equiety millions. Experts called it a bubble. It couldn’t last. It was going to pop like a zit. No one listened. Across the planet, Hong Kong was experiencing the same explosion. The city was not a home buyers market. Unless you are one determined buyer.

The Motive:

All Cheng Lai Sheung wanted was house on the water front. She works two jobs. Putting money in the bank and promising herself one day she would have her dream home. Though Cheng grew up poor moving around in the slums of Hong Kong and disappointed in her father for what he couldn’t do for their family, it wouldn’t be her fate.

Cheng shops around. She looks into buying a condo on the water, but she just doesn’t have enough money. She finds her situation intolerable. The more she slaves away the more the housing bubble expands. She will never succeed.

One top of that conundrum, it seems like every man living in Hong Kong is banging a mistress while his guliable wife and kids believe his lies about being in yet another overtime meeting. Cheng is dating an asshole who is cheating on his wife. He likes to get drunk and fuck Cheng in fancy hotels. She puts up with him. He has money. Maybe he can be her ticket to a new life. At some point, Cheng is tired of slaving, waiting, and fucking affluent adulterers. The housing bubble hasn’t popped. Cheng has concocted a plan to drive prices down in one particularly appealing high rise…

Sex:

Naked girls, tits, butts, some fairly explicit simulated sex. Unfortunately the setting hardly makes any of it erotic.

Gore:

It’s a gorehounds buffet. High body count. Ruthless murders, disemboweled, brains blown out, stabbings, stranglings, suffocation, death by jagged wood, eye popped out, a chopped off penis with cum dripping out of it, glass bong death, it’s nasty and very bloody. The effects are 80% practical and look amazing. The attention to detail is excellent. There is some CGI touch ups only the most sensitive palates will notice. Sure I wish all the gore had all been old school but the CGI allowed for some creative kills. 

Acting: 

All the characters performed well. The main character Cheng was attractive and captivating. She was a great lead. She doesn’t seem capable of what she does, but once she is committed she doesn’t give up. I bought it.

There are plenty of city shots and lingering establishing shots. It’s as if the buildings themselves are a character in the film. I am a sexy building, you want me, you want me bad don’t you. 

Directing: 

Dream Home was directed and written by Ho Cheng Pang. He did an amazing job. Home run.

It’s a beautifully shot film. Some creative camera work but not too much so it becomes distracting. The story is told in flash backs of Cheng’s life while jumping to the present as she enacts her psychotic plan. I am always impressed with the precision of Asian films. Their movies look flawless, expert attention is paid to details. Everyone involved works hard to make the movie look great. Dream Home is a gruesome film, unsettling. The erie lack of music during some of the violent parts of the movie add to the brutality. Prepare to be freaked out.

Closing the sale: 

Dream Home is an absolute must see for horror fans. It’s brutal and never lets up.

You will love it right from the start. I enjoyed the way the story unfolded. I was scared of Cheng, her subtle, and not so subtle, determination and psychopathic nature is horror candy. This film even boasts a great ending. How many horror movies start on a high note and end on one? It tests your gag reflex the whole way as it batters you with its nihilistic delivery. Dream Home is coated with feminine materialism grotesquely and uninhibitedly displayed like a crack whore’s spread eagle gash caked with smegma and oozing herpes sores.

See Dream Home immediately, anyway you can. Put forth the effort just like Cheng would do, to get what she wants.

5 out of 5 !!!!!

-The Director

Antichrist (2009) review by Director

 

The Lesson:

A couple is having sex in the shower. The couple is a man (Willem Dafoe) and a woman (Charlotte Gainsbourg).

They leave the window open. Weird since it’s snowing outside. It’s probably freezing out there. Their baby boy, Nic (Storm Acheche Sahlstrom) apparently loves the cold as he goes out of his way to get to that one open window. The building is one of those old european ones. The toddler climbs near the window as Willem Dafoe’s body double slams his erection into Charlotte Gainsbourg’s body double’s vagina so hard his balls slap her ass. Yes, real penetration and in slow motion, caught me off guard too. But I knew where little Nic was going, and he did. In Storm Sahlstrom’s most powerful performance and probably last, little Nic tumbles out the window, falling three or four stories, before his little body hits the sidewalk. It’s in slow motion and no cut away. Nic is dead, let the insanity begin.

 “Did you remember to close the window?”

Here we go: 

I have a child, if she died it would be unbearable. If she died partly because of my negligence, I might have to kill myself. But this isn’t about me. The woman, the mother, she, she is called She, no name. Not even in the credits, she is just ‘She’. I’m telling you this so you won’t think I’ve gone pronoun crazy. She is in the hospital. She can’t deal with life now that her son fell out a window and died. Physically she is okay of course but inside, something snapped. She is beyond the throws of grief. She has a self loathing, a bottomless despair and anguish that cripples her.

Turns out ‘He’ her husband is a therapist. He throws her prescription drugs in the toilet and drives her out to Eden, a cabin they have in the woods. I have seen enough horror movies to know a ‘cabin in the woods’ is one of the most dangerous places on the planet, not a place of recovery.

As He is driving She out to the cabin he sees an ominous sign, a deer with a still born hanging half out from it’s birth canal.

The film is cut into 5 parts. a Black and White slow motion beginning which is artistically shot with a really expensive HD camera and very graphic in detail. Chapter 2: Pain, He tries to introduce She back into nature (the world) and she is still bonkers. Acorns pelt the cabin, as if the world outside is evil and nihilistic. Maybe that is why the title is antichrist because I don’t understand why it is.

Chapter three is ‘Despair’. I don’t want to spoil the movie it’s during this portion of the movie where things really go corn hole nuts and butter. In the autopsy report we learn Nic had deformed feet. He was often photographed with his shoes on the wrong foot. This is a good reason to bash your husband during sex and then knock him out. He still has an erection, while unconscious, so she grabs his fat dick and jerks him off. He forcefully ejaculates thick bursts of blood onto her. This is all shown, not implied. It is possible to get blood in your semen or ejaculate blood because of internal trauma.

She does more horrific stuff I won’t spoil.

During the 4th Chapter we meet the 3 beggars. Animal visions of a Deer, fox, and a crow, they all symbolize things.

 The three beggars and an ass

She takes a pair of scissors and performs a clitoridectomy upon herself, and curls up on the floor in agonizing pain. Yes it would hurt to cut off your clit and meat curtains with a pair of scissors. Outside He is hurting as well.

The last part is an epilogue. Again I can’t give away spoilers.

Acting: Willem Dafoe is one of my favorite actors. I could watch him read a shopping list and be entertained. The Actress, Gainsbourg, I’ll say she gave a brave performance.

Sex:

This movie has a lot of sex and sexual imagery. It has a real penetration scene. He and She are naked a few times. Masturbation. The shower scene could have been erotic if a baby wasn’t dying at the same time. She runs around outside naked, etc.

Gore:

It’s not that kind of movie. It’s not a splatter fest. Antichrist does have graphic violence. Two scenes involving genitals, some animal gore, a baby hitting the side walk, strangling, terrible leg wound torture.

Final Thought: 

He finds a book, it’s a journal or a college paper She had been working on. My take on the movie, and I say my take because this film is totally symbolic and open to interpretation. My take was that She already had some thought of self loathing for whatever reason and after her son died she gave herself to nihilistic despair. She no longer wanted to live. Or maybe the movie is about feminism, or the salem witch trials, or CGI animals. It does have a talking fox that says, ‘Chaos reigns’, bet they didn’t see that one coming.

 “What does the fox say?”

 

I’m not giving it a high rating because I’m just not a Lynchian fan. This was too symbolic for me. I have no idea why its called ‘antichrist’. It’s not a religious movie at all. It’s depressing and I didn’t identify with She past loosing a child. It’s a fantastic looking movie, impressive visuals. It has some shocking scenes, shocking is good. Antichrist will keep your attention. It’s intense. I liked the ending, part of the ending. I recommend seeing it.

   -The Director 

I spit on Your Grave (2010)

 I spit on your grave (2010)

(Disclaimer) It’s hard not to compare this to the original but I shall try to review it on it’s own. Comparing remakes to the original is tired and cliche in my opinion, but that is only my opinion and I’ll keep it to myself.

Hock: 

Successful writer (I say successful since she has a fucking book published. Do you comprehend how inconceivable that is to accomplish in today’s writers market?).

Jennifer Wells (Sara Butler) rents an isolated cabin to work on her second novel for a couple of months. Some completely amoral psychopaths make her acquaintance at a gas station. Jennifer is lost. Country stud and scary as fuck Jonny Miller (Jeff Branson) points her in the right direction. Jonny flirts and gets rejected, burn.

And now spit: 

Jennifer finds her spacious cabin on the river. She drinks wine, sun baths, smokes poke, and oh yeah works on her book. Being a writer is fucking hard ass work. Nothing like it is in the movies, at least not this movie. This movie has nothing to do with writing. It has to do with sadism and revenge on the grandest scale. So how does it go there?

The fat pervert of the maniacal foursome has himself a video camera and he has been peeping and recording Jennifer.

Matthew the retard of the group has also been to Jennifer’s house and fixed her sink and toilet. Jennifer is so overjoyed she spontaneously kisses Matthew on the cheek. After which he bolts out without getting paid.

The four creeps decide Matthew is lying there is no way a hot city girl like her kisses a buffoon like Matthew. Enamored by the smoking hot bod on the video recording the boys decide to pay Jennifer a visit. I won’t go into detail. They torture and exploit her. She escapes and things only get worse. Jennifer is violently raped by everyone. She is raped up the ass and it ain’t pretty. This is a brutal exploitation movie, not a ‘date movie.’

After the horror she endures Jennifer wanders around naked while the sadists follow and makes jokes. Before her rapists and violators have a chance to blow her head off she falls off a bridge. The Sociopaths are worried. They can’t find her body. After a month, things get strange.

Jennifer isn’t dead and she is a cold hearted bitch scorned. She one by one exacts revenge in the most creative yet horrifying ways on her attackers. She sneaks around, none of them know what is coming until it’s too late. She is merciless, just as they were with her. She spits on their graves.

GORE: 

The movie is chock full of gore. It’s drawn out torturous gore. Not like a splatter fest but every bit as violent. I’m seasoned and some of the kils made me twitch. Gorehouds will feel like it was time well spent after watching this one.

SEX:

The is a fair amount of nudity. Sara Butler shows everything, most of the nudity is her during rapes and her walking around filthy in a state of shock. Unfortunately nothing is sexy or erotic unless to are a sicko sadist and like rape. Ladies get Jeff Branson’s naked butt, but nothing sexy in that scene.

Acting:

I enjoyed Sheriff Storch (Andrew Howard) he played a terrible villain. The best villain are the ones you really hate. This two sided bastard was great.

Sarah Butler played her role pretty believable. She looks awful and really in excruciating pain during the anal rape scene. She looks out of her mind during the aftermath. She plays the scorned revenge bit well.

Drecting/Production:

I personally would have shot the movie more graphic, shown more. There is a lot implied, though it is strongly implied, it could have been a tad more graphic. That being said, there is only so much you can show without it being pornographic. I also thought the nudity was a little scant for this type of movie.
I did like that the movie looked didn’t show off it’s budget. It looked simple. That made it seem more tense. The director never let up. It was always tense. There is always a sense of loathing throughout the film. Some of this was accomplished with subtle ambient music or none at all.

Final Rating:

I couldn’t find this movie to be about anything except exploitation on a grand scale and revenge on a grander scale. The revenge kills are the highlight of the movie. I want to stress that again, the revenge kills are brutal and tough to watch! They are the main reason to watch this exploitation film smutt. 

I never felt attached to any of these people. I did feel I experienced the movie cerebrally and it was extremely unsettling. It’s a true horror movie. Maybe you could coin it torture porn.  Yes, it has some plot holes. How did Jennifer survive a month with next to nothing? None of that is explained. How was she able to get the jump on all these seasoned country boys who knew these woods? I suppose the element of surprise. They think they see a ghost when they see her.

Bottom-line, I don’t know how you could see this movie for anything else than what it is. The type of movie you cringe through and feel like taking a shower after or have hot sex then take a shower.

So how do I rate it? How the hell do I not think about the original when I rate it?

-The Death Director.

   

Necromantik by the Death Director

Nekromantik

“Ground-breakingly gruesome. The first erotic films for necrophiles.” -John Waters. 

“Your best review yet.”-Lawrence S. Talbot (Horror Aficionados)

I will admit I had a hard time reviewing this. I could have typed ‘yeah it’s a shitty low budget German film with perverted corpse sex and hideous violence. Watch it for shock value.’ However the movie is so extremely bizarre, such an oddity, I was compelled to write a lengthy review. This review has significant details, though not enough to ruin the movie. You should still witness it for yourself. If you plan to watch this film, skip the review for now and read it after.

Love at first sight: 

Meet Rob and Betty. Death obsessed love birds living in Rob’s modest apartment cluttered with souvenirs from Rob’s job. This is a fine thing indeed because Rob and Betty love the macabre, a lot. Betty is a typical gothic chick that takes baths in blood. Rob is part of a clean up crew that visits road side accidents or murders and cleans up the mess. It’s Rob’s habit to snag souvenirs. Betty wonders what relics of death Rob will bring home today for them to play with and later put in a jar of formaldehyde.

The awesome Surprise: 

Some dumb fuck is drinking and shooting at birds from his backyard. He accidentally kills a neighbor picking apples. The shooter dumps the fresh victim in a swamp. The apple picker’s new and exciting life is just on the horizon.

After the police examine the body, which is now quite decomposed, Rob’s boss asks him to take care of the body.

Oh hell yeah Rob is thinking as he drags the corpse home.

Oh Betty! Come here Betty I have a whopper of a surprise! They stare at the rotting body in awe.

Betty and Rob, were they born necrophiles, like homosexuals and pedophiles claim to be, or are they turned on to necrophilia by the old necro gang in high school? Either way these two are raving necrophiles. They place this rotting corpse in their bed, strip, and begin to make love to it.

These love making scenes are not really gross as long as you look at the dead body as a rubber doll. If you are able to temporally arrest the rational side of your brain, imagine what you are seeing is real. You will be watching one of the most disgusting movies ever.
I can’t begin to imagine how bad this dead guy smelled. I can’t fathom how stomach churning his liquidized rotting flesh tasted. Rob sucked out his eye ball and licked the corpse’s eye socket. Betty passionately kissed and licked up and down the decomposing man. If this dead man never had a 3-way in life, he was making up for it in death.

Betty reads to the corpse in the evening. Afterward the corpse eats her vagina.

The young lovers eat dinner as the corpse hangs from the wall, dripping disgusting fluids to the floor which are collected in plates. Who could eat around that wretched smell?

Mousy Rob looses his job and Betty is pissed at him for not standing up to his boss. Ahh politics at the biohazard collection agency, its a tough line of work, climbing the ladder of success. Eventually their play thing will rot away, where will they get new corpses? Betty screams at Rob, he hangs his head in shame.

Betty secretly leaves Rob and that cunt bitch twat cum dumpster of a slut takes the dead body with her. Again, I face palm, how the fuck, the smell, did she just walk down the street with it, did she use the subway or the transit bus system? I tell my self not to worry about it.

Rob, now without his lovers, buys a cat. He needs to burn off some steam so he beats the cat to death in a trash bag. Rob likes killing animals. He then takes a warm bath before rubbing cat guts on his neck and mouth.

Gore: 

Lot’s of gross stuff floating in jars. Bloody body parts and meaty gore. A vicious stabbing. A bloody orgasm. Rob the maniac killing a live rabbit, bleeding it, skinning, ripping off it’s hide, and gutting it, all in great detail (this is a real rabbit). Rob, performing an autopsy on a dude. Playing with his fatty tissue. A cat killed and gored, playing in its guts, a decapitation with a shovel, a strangulation, and much more. On to the sex which is also full of gruesome imagery.

Sex: 

I won’t short you on the sex because, let’s face it, sex with a corpse is the theme of this movie. It’s Jorg Buttgereit’s vision, his film, his magnus opus is complete (Or is it? He returns in the more vile Nekromanik 2). The sex and gore in this movie blur into each other in just about every scene.

We see Betty’s tight ass and naked tits though the atmosphere doesn’t make this nudity even remotely sexy. As I mentioned before Rob’s fondness for French kissing a decomposing eye socket.

If you have ever scene a soft-core sex scene on late night skinimax or a ‘female alien’ type film this is exactly what you get in necromantik except its star is a man’s carcass not a sexy model with fake tits. Rob deftly uses the fleshless skeletal hands to fondle Betty’s erect nipples. The corpse’s penis has rotted off, or been eaten by swamp critters, so a dowel rod is sawed into a lengthy dildo and shoved into the dead man’s gory crotch. Betty rolls a condom on it because you can get aids or pregnant from a wooden dowel. Who knows what diseases this guy might be carrying right.

Betty also grinds the corpse’s head into her pussy and gets off on it.

An uncircumcised penis urinating, how that drives the plot, I don’t know. (This is a foreign film and they aren’t always about plot, like plot obsessed American films. Foreign films can be very character driven). Rob full frontal naked in a bath tub. A fake erection and I won’t spoil what it does.

Directing: 

Critics call Jorg Buttgereit’s low budget film a force to be reckoned with. I agree, the film is well made for a low budget film and sets out doing what it was attempting. If the goal was to make an erotic necrophile film with subsequent insanity? It was a total success.

Music: 

Some creepy tracks and some lovely chamber instrumental music during establishing shots, a touching piano for corpse lovemaking.

Rest In Peace:

In the final act Rob’s now lonely life spirals down hill. He try’s to enjoy life, but all he wants to do is fuck the dead. He pays for a whore and he can’t get it up. She pokes fun of him. Outraged he strangles her and then, you guessed it, he has no problem fucking her still warm corpse, no doubt, with a dry vaginal vault.

If you have read this review I have given away a lot of detail so I won’t spoil the end.

Should you watch Nekromantik? Wow that is a tough question. Ask yourself do I wan’t to see what being a necrophile is about or do I want to be entertained? Maybe for you those are one in the same.

I will rate the movie based on what it accomplishes. I will also keep in mind it appears to have a shoestring budget.

Rating:

I think if you pay attention and really watch or rather experience this film, it holds up as a solid 3, almost 4 (for originality) out of 5 stabs. It wasn’t perfect because it contained some filler at times, or rather it seemed to be killing time before the ‘good parts’ and this flick was only 75 minutes total length in the uncut version. The movie was low key and dreary, it could of had some side story or comic relief maybe. It was dead serious and Rob was in nearly every scene. He portrayed an aura of pathetic and so the film felt at times pathetic, I felt pathetic watching him. The film was depressing and gross. It wasn’t fun to watch and it’s a downer. It’s not meant to be a cheap shock. It doesn’t come across that way. Nekromantik is solid, brave, and original.

-Director 

A Serbian Film reviewed by your Director

         

Premise:

Ex-porn legend Milosh from beautiful Serbia is lured back into the biz for an enormous some of whatever Serbians call dollars, Dinars according to the all wise internet. I don’t know the amount but I’m thinking it’s millions. He won’t do child porn, he is assured its something much more special and it’s a revolutionary porn genre so there has to be plenty of secrecy about what they are doing. After a couple Jack Daniels Milosh and his smoking hot wife (she looks just like Jean Grey from X-Men) go for the money, a fat check of Serbian dinars.

The Big Picture:

A Serbian Film has always been precious to me because I got to see a bootleg copy from Synapse Films about a year before it was release in the USA. I didn’t even think it would get an American release. There are two critical scenes cut from the US version. I was greatly disturbed because of this. Those two scene are two of the most horrific in the movie. One can still caliginously discern what is going on in those scenes. I think with those two scenes cut, the film can’t be fully taken to a superlative hight of traumatic repugnance.

Milosh begins showing up for his scenes in this secretive porno. The charismatic Director speaks to him through a receiver stuck in his ear. Milosh is directed what to do. Milsoh finds the scenes bizarre, though he is always pretty drunk and drugged. Fuck it he whats that massive pay off. The money will set him, his wife, and son up for the rest of their Serbian lives. Milosh, endearing legendary porn star and family provider. Isn’t it admirable to see a man with his priorities in order. On a side note when Milosh catches his young son of about 8 or 9 watching a porno video featuring the boy’s father plowing the hell out of some blonde bimbo on a motor cycle, he takes the time to illustrate sex and masturbation. It’s the most bizarre illustration of adolescent sexual maturation I have ever heard.

Getting back to making the new porno genre, Milosh has seen no script so he really doesn’t understand what is going on. He continues to drink Jack Daniels like water. His perception becomes more warped. He becomes more easily manipulated by the Director. He is later given cow viagra, that little trick makes him an enraged sex machine with a foot long cock that could hammer nails into wood.

He finds himself in several scenes with a young girl present. She looks about twelve dressed as Alice in Wonderland. The film becomes increasingly taboo.  Milosh has second thoughts and want’s out but it’s to late. He jumps out a window. No matter, he is sucked into making more ‘Art’ as the Directer likes to shout over and over.

I won’t say too much about the movie because I don’t want to spoil the experience. It keeps pushing your threshold. After about 25 minutes into the movie you are quite hooked, you are no longer just watching, now you are experiencing A Serbian Film. Hold on tight, knuckles white as roasted turkey breast, A Serbian FIlm just keeps getting better.

Acting:

Milosh performs his heart out. He fully embraces his role and is totally believable. All the acting is on target. I especially loved the charismatic Director. Your eyes are glued to him every time he is on screen. I never felt the acting ruined any scenes.

Gore:  

We are treated to a few mucho grizzly scenes. A decapitation, a live skull fuck, and some gut churring rapes. There is a totally sick scene you will miss in the American cut, if you get an uncircumcised version look out.

SEX: 

This bitch is full of it. Softcore sex, necrophilia, anal, masturbation, cumshots, and off screen vaginal mutilation. Bouncing big boobs, full frontal male and female nudity. Last be NOT least Milosh’s huge cock hanging down to mid-thigh and fully erect pointing at the camera dripping in blood. I could do chin ups on that monster if I could do chins ups anymore. Vicious ass rape and fresh corpse fucking I’ll emphasize again.

Final Rating: 

A Serbian Film is an especially evil horror movie. It’s one of those sadistic movies you need a shower after watching. Even after the shower you still feel dirty, like your soul is polluted. It’s like after you eat a super sized value meal at McDonalds. That sick feeling you feel after, like why the fuck did I just do that to myself?

The movie has a great plot. At times scenes may seem random but fear not gorehounds, everything ties together in the end. You may need to contemplate and wrap your noggin around what you just witnessed.

Superb movie, brutal ending, well acted, lots of raunchy sex and Milosh’s endlessly consuming Jack Daniels night and day. A Serbian Film is original and shockingly taboo.

The movie is in Serbian, not dubbed into english, so you will have to read the dialogue. The speaking scenes are not so rapid fire that reading is a chore. I preferred hearing the actors real voices anyway.

 -The Death Director

 

Frankenhooker reviewed by Director

       Frankenhooker

 

“Medical schools upset me, mother – I’m anti-social – I’m becoming dangerously amoral.” -Jeffery.

The Premise:

A medical student’s fiancé dies at her Dad’s birthday party. The young medical student Jeffery builds his father-in-law to be, a horrendously dangerous lawnmower or a tiller I’m not sure, but it’s remote control. Which is really cool. Anyone who has ever cut grass has dreamt of a radio controlled lawnmower. I suppose hardcore gardeners dream of radio controlled tillers. Daddy’s daughter is excited to show off the remote control feature. Oops she immediately runs herself over because she is a total moron. Everything is destroyed but her head. Fortunately that’s all her lover needs.

If you are still reading:

Jeffery is totally distraught over his fiancé demise. He feels he can put her back together. He not only wants to rebuild her, he wants to make her better than before. She was a foodie, she ate for comfort and had a fat ass. A fake fat ass, but a fat ass regardless.

Now where can he get sexy body parts for his lover that’s just a head floating in swishing magic purple water?

Prostitutes of course!

Jeff devises a semi-retarded plan. This is a guy who can perform reconstructive surgery even the worlds greatest surgeons couldn’t dream of. For the sake of multiple cheesy jokes and gaping plot holes, I’ll keep this moving along. Jeff gets his skank ho parts and uses crack cocaine with explosives to get his parts separated. The tramps smoke the hell out of that crack because, as we all know, hookers love to smoke the crack.

Half naked girls and glass pipes, I kind wonder if that’s what the producers had in mind at the pitch meeting. I can’t even imagine that pitch meeting. Who wouldn’t invest nearly a million dollars in a film called Frankenhooker?

A very angry pimp is after him for killing all his pussy hustlers but he is, like everyone in this movie, as smart as a box of hammers. It is of note I learned that not only is crack cocaine highly addictive it can also be laced with invisible explosives. One can also just sew any body part back on, give it a huge jolt of electricity, and it will work fine, it won’t even bleed.
The medical student Mary Shelly style uses lightning to reanimate his sexy corpse of stripper parts.

Parts he personally selected especially the blown off jiggly jugs.
Nothing good happens after this point to anyone. Hell nothing good happens to anyone in this bastard of a movie.

If you are a veteran of bad movies like Lawrence S. Talbot, Gorehound, and I are as we sat down to watch this 1990 pile of sheep vomit and you can make it to the end. It has a surprise (completely impossible) ending!

GORE:

Yes, the movie is gory, but it always comes soaked in absurdity and comedy. A freezer of rubber looking practical body parts from tits to toes. I never saw a torso though. I would have thought I would have seen at least one profusely bleeding torso. As disgusting as the idea is, it’s never gross. We witness six or seven escorts get blown to chunks by explosive cocaine. FrankenHooker kills everyone she tricks out, via electrical explosion. I think this movie has the most exploding mannequins in lingerie I’ve ever seen.

SEX:

No sex but plenty of naked boobs, breast groping, and scantily clade prostitutes. No full frontal though, what’s up with that? Frankenhooker has a smokin hot bod too bad if you try to bang her she bangs you apart like an M-80.

Acting:

Painful to watch.

Director:

He was really good at filming mannequins explode in various poses.

Music:

Was there music? I think it had random 1980s homemade keyboards and synth.

Final Rating:

Maybe really drunk and at a party with free drugs this would be mildly entertaining.

On it’s own, substance free, ouch. It’s so terrible but mildly funny to poke fun at. It certainly fails as a comedy and it fails as a horror movie. I think the first time I saw it, I was so engaged in how bad it was I was in a mild state of shock. It’s hard to believe ‘Unearth Films’ produces DVDs of this movie. Why would they want to be associated with Frankenhooker in any way? It can only damage your credibility and Unearthed has so many excellent titles. This is not one of them. This is a bad troma movie. Let that last sentence sink in.

 “durr watch this movie, impress your friends.”                   

-The Delicious Director

Cannibal Holocaust reviewed by Das Director

      Cannibal Holocaust

 

The Rep:

Banned in multiple countries! The alleged most controversial movie ever made. The film crew was arrested after production. PETA advocates are foaming at the mouth in disgust. Is this real cannibalism? Will I see naked natives eating human flesh? Perhaps you’ve seen the pictures.

Is it all shock and hype or is there a good movie buried under all this fluff?

Let’s get out the fork and knife: 

Ok, ok, so what is this shocker about? Four asshole adventurous film makers head off in the deep Amazonian jungle. Three fucktard dudes and one immodest chick in search of a lost cannibal tribe still around in this modern age.

Referred to as the green inferno for good reason, the amazon is a suffocatingly hot and dangerous place. It’s not really an exaggeration to say everything and everyone is trying to kill each other. If it can’t kill them, they kill it.

Our fearless quartet of film makers never return from the jungle. Did they find the cannibals they were looking for? A doctor of anthropology wants to find out.

He finds a couple really cool guides to lead him into cannibal country.

They expose him to various stone age tribes, animal cruelty, and some tangy native hairy gash. The guide reminds me exactly of Sid Haig in the Big Doll House. The guide uses cocaine, which is totally easy to get in the inferno I assume, to control the cannibal guide to lead them to his crew. Of course he also snorts a little himself all bad ass, off a buck knife blade.

The Doctor eventually finds the film cans lost from the four ass clown explorers. Trading the film cans for some shit like a watch and gold plated lighter the doctor skips back to the big city to enjoy some serious amateur cannibal exploitation films.

The group of professionals including the doctor, a lawyer, some TV executives, sit back and it’s show time. Here begins the second movie. Cannibal Holocaust is really a film within a film. The second movie is the lost film footage shot by the four douche bag film makers. Keep in mind this was done decades before Blair Witch or Cloverland made a movie appear to be shot by the actors. I have to give Cannibal holocaust major props for originality.

The Group shoots plenty of film of each other being cocky, constantly making dumb ass jokes, and mocking everyone. I never found myself endeared to them. As they trek along and come across various tribes they to go mysteriously fucking bananas. The heat, the jungle, the images they have seen, the isolation, frustration, it’s anyone’s guess. They engage in various forms of exploitation, setting villages on fire, gang rape, and other things I’ll leave out. At this point they have made enemies out of the cannibals. Not a smooth move stupid fucks, they should have had some coked up guides with them.

GORE:

 

Cannibal Holocaust doesn’t fail to deliver the goods. There is a great deal of graphic violence in the movie. You will see some really gross actual animals death. One word, ‘turtle,’ you have been warned.

The foreign films don’t seem to bother with fake rubber organs, I think these crazy actors are eating real guts. A violent giant stone dildo rape and bashed head. Severed arms, heads, ripped open guts, slimy organs being chewed on, genitals lopped off, skin bit off, you are in the gorezone.

I am always amazed at these jungle movies. The special effects look amazingly good and these guys had to set up these effects in a horrible atmosphere. Yes, that’s an impressively real looking penis copped off, it’s almost more impressive it was done in the amazon jungle.
Don’t worry about gore, it’s plentiful.

SEX:

We get copious male and female full frontal nudity.

 

A voyeuristic soft-core sex scene.

Two rapes, one is adultery punishment and features a giant stone dildo soaked in blood as it rips apart a hairy native puss. A longer gang rape, if you are a sicko and that tickles your pickle.

Music: 

Unfortunately the movie had some 1980s funk, keyboard, or disco type music. This dated the movie. That being said there was a theme song. The theme was chilling and you knew when you heard that tune something disturbing was coming. To me that was perfect use of  theme music.

Directing: 

Fantastic job! This is a horrible environment to shoot a movie in and you would never notice as you watched. All the first half of the movie, the footage of the doctor is professional looking, quality film making.

I am amazed at films that are shot first person. It seems like a truly difficult way to tell a story.  It’s done well here. You won’t have any problem. I found these moments in the movie the most engaging. I didn’t want to look away and miss something.

Final Rating:

Cannibal Holocaust really is a great movie. Holocaust means: any mass slaughter or reckless destruction of life. Success was achieved. This is a true horror movie and all fans of the genre should see it, hell, buy a fucking copy. It’s a right of passage.

The theme of this film seems to be ‘look how awful these stone ages fucks are, and yet modern man is no better.’ Everyone is trying to exploit something from this movie. The Doctor, the TV executives, the daring film makers from the second half, the natives in the jungle, even the production company who produced Cannibal Holocaust. Us for watching it for enjoyment, and on and on. A long chain of exploitation. Don’t get depressed it’s all fiction. Except for that fucking turtle, poor bastard.

              It left me dead….

 -Za DiReCtoR

Tombs of the blind dead review by Lawrence S. Talbot

Tombs of the blind dead 

In 1972, Armando De Ossorio directed the first of four films in his delightfully creepy blind dead series. The resurrected Templet Knights might be the scariest zombies ever created and this film may be one of the most influential horror films of the 1970’s.

In a European castle in the middle of nowhere, the Templars, a fictionalized version of the real Templar Knights, are resurrected when the sun sets. Being horrible sadists in life, the Templars were burned at the stake and their eyes were eaten out by crows, resulting in their blindness. Nightly, they return from the grave as shrouded skeletal figures and feed on the blood of the living. Thought they cannot see, they locate their victims by sound.

An unfortunate woman decides to spend the night in the ruins and is feasted upon by the ghouls. Eventually, her friends venture  to the castle hoping to find her and end up having to fend off the relentless undead Templars.

Though the pacing of the film is a bit slow and it’s very short on plot, Tombs of the blind dead more than delivers when it comes to mood and creepiness. It’s also one of the first european horror films to combine graphic violence with sex, becoming a true exploitation classic. What makes the movie so memorable are the Templars themselves, the magnificent and eerie locations, and the haunting musical score.

The Templars aren’t nearly greasepaint smeared ghouls like most undead in films at the time. They are completely skeletal and shrouded in hoods and rotting medieval garb. Coming in droves, like an army, they slowly shamble along, reaching out their skeletal arms and relentlessly listen for their victims. They are inescapable and unstoppable, and in their reaper-like are hoods are like death itself literally creeping up. One can run for so long, but the undead fiends will eventually get you. To up the ante, the Templars ride on undead horses and carry swords in pursuit of their victims. More than just mindless flesh eaters, they are sadistic in nature and occasionally add sexual torture to the mix. As a result, the Templars are some of the most nightmarish and memorable creatures in the annals of horror. I honestly can’t say enough about them.

The movie was filmed in a crumbling Spanish castle which serve as possibly the most sinister, creepy sets ever put to film, being further augmented by a chilling score composed mostly of chants. The film contains a high level of eerie atmosphere, making Tombs of the blind dead is an unforgettable film experience.

It was followed by three sequels: Return of the evil dead, The ghost Galleon, and Night of the sequels. I would highly recommend the second one as well.

 -Lawrence S. Talbot